House Buying

Posted on June 3, 2011

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Moan House

It ought to have a little blue commemorative plaque

It’s understandable that some things in life are going to be more complicated than others, but I have come to the conclusion that buying and selling a house is probably about the most complicated and convoluted thing that you can do in this world, apart from life itself.  This is a real problem for me because I am currently in the process of doing both.  I’m sure it is a process that they have well and truly sorted in the “next life”. I suspect that ghosts are indeed only wandering surveyors doing “in-depth” structural surveys, hence their opaque appearance.

I appreciate that buying a house has to be more complicated than buying a bar of chocolate (which is complicated enough), but I don’t understand why it has to be as painful as it is?  I’ve scoured the Internet for examples of enlightened nations that have cracked this whole housing market procedure and sadly I have come up with nothing encouraging.  It’s hardly surprising, the last time I scoured anything I left more marks over my work (an oven) than a bungling cat burglar from Bristol.  Yes, I know that was a particularly bad pun and it wasn’t even worth its hackneyed inclusion, but this is what the pursuit of a new house will do to you

I’m not using this house-buying business as an excuse for my lack of updates recently, but all I can say is that Rightmove is addictive and it’s hard to get things done once you’ve started dabbling with a few properties on your computer.  There’s a reason why they refer to all the home improvement programs as “house porn” I suppose.

Anyway, I’m just at the point in the process where lots of people decide not to bother and instead dig a hole in the garden to find that extra space they desperately need.  To be honest, you’ve got to be pretty desperate to actually see the process of moving through to its conclusion.   The process is just so painful and I’m sure it doesn’t need to be that way.

If you happen to be a home owner then an already difficult process becomes a much more harrowing ordeal.  You can’t buy a house until you sell your house – which makes sense – but how do you know what your budget is until you’ve sold your house and what happens if you sell your house and you’ve got nowhere to go?  I could go through the process in detail, but where would that get either of us?  Whilst the process itself is arduous the real problem lies herein:

  • Estate agents
  • Estate agents fees
  • Estate agents service
  • Stamp duty
  • Ancillary annoyances – a lot of these

If there is an industry that attracts the dross of humanity more than any other, then I believe that industry is probably the housing market.  That said, politics runs them a close second.  I phoned my local Councillor last week about an access issue with the land at the back of my (lovely) house.  He told me he was about to go to a meeting but would get back to me.  Unfortunately he never asked me my name, phone number or email address – so unless he has friends in the after-life then I’m not sure how he proposed getting back to me.  I emailed him and (seven days and counting later) I’ve heard nothing from him.  So, Alfred Havvcock, you might well have cock, but do you have the wherewithal to get back to me?

Enough of my woes, it makes for pretty turgid reading I’m sure – mind you that is my forte.  If you are interested in buying a piece of Bristol heritage then look no further: http://bit.ly/ivH5od

A quick update

It’s been a while and a lot has happened, a little of which I ought to share.  You might remember my problem with my six year old nemesis?  Well, I am happy to share that he has recently started wearing glasses – so he now holds no fear for me at all.  It’s funny how that happens.  Stick a pair of glasses on Anne Widdecome and you’ve probably got Mrs Doubtfire – mind you I doubt even then she’d be a great candidate for sorting out the Pope’s alleged issues with pedophilia in his ranks.

I could go on, but I think I’ve gone on enough already.  Suffice to say that the Moaner is back from his break and normal services should resume forthwith.  That is unless this house buying process moves me onto the “next life”, in which case I’ll haunt this page until somebody pulls the plug out.

* I ought to state that I don’t believe in the afterlife, well no more than I believe in after sales service in the housing market.

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